November 5, 2009

noah what have you done to me? I used to listen to bach.

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October 30, 2009
Rabia Sarwar Tried To Slit Husband's Throat For Making Her Eat Pork, Wear Short Skirts.

Noah sent me the above link, asking me what he’d have to do to get an equivalent kind of punishment, to which I say:

Maxine Lopez-Keough Tried To Slit Boyfriend’s Throat For Making Her Listen To Dave Matthew’s Band, Give Up Steak.


(For the record, it would be Tried To Castrate Boyfriend if I were made to Renounce Lohan, Watch Mulholland Drive.)

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October 29, 2009
TAIT FOSTER COME HOME THIS INSTANT I WILL MAKE YOU THE BIGGEST SANDWICH.

TAIT FOSTER COME HOME THIS INSTANT

I WILL MAKE YOU THE BIGGEST SANDWICH.

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October 28, 2009
thanks noah, you know what I like.

thanks noah, you know what I like.

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The ladies of For the Love of Ray J, Round 2 are looking kinda rough, which means Monday nights are looking kinda awesome.

My money is on Exotica, with Extra giving her a run for her [read: Ray’s] money and Caliente pulling out someone’s [read: Just Right’s] weave by the fourth episode.

Also: Fettucini? Mz. Berry? Paradeez? How are you even supposed to pronounce that? What happened to nicknames you could take home to mama, like Cocktail? Or Danger? Why is one of them old enough to have raised me? Where are all the face tats? Why do I feel like I’ve gotten into a screaming fight with Heartbreaker at a bar in Cambridge?

It’s gonna be a good season you guys.

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Durga and I had a bunch of kids together and they all got cast in the same music video! Isn’t that crazy? So crazy.

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You crazy, wonderful zombie!

You crazy, wonderful zombie!

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October 23, 2009

YESSSSSSSSS YES YES YES.

This is the greatest day I have ever lived to see. ever. “Hi, I’m Joan Collins—don’t mean to be rude but fleece should be on sheep.”

Joan!!! JOAN COLLINS, GUYS.

Now I need to go throw a martini in someone’s face and get married four times and then purposefully shoot my gun next to Krystle’s horse so she gets thrown and loses the baby. Shoulder pads shoulder pads shoulder pads. Ex-CUSE me.

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WHY CAN’T I JUST LET YOU DIE, LOHAN? UNWRAP YOUR CRAZY COKE-DUSTED TENTACLES FROM AROUND MY HEART BECAUSE I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE.

WHY CAN’T I JUST LET YOU DIE, LOHAN? UNWRAP YOUR CRAZY COKE-DUSTED TENTACLES FROM AROUND MY HEART BECAUSE I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE.

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October 22, 2009
step off, sluts.

step off, sluts.

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weird, they called me the same thing this weekend.

weird, they called me the same thing this weekend.

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October 21, 2009
mama always said I had expensive taste.
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Durga is like a sassy doctor who prescribes me just what I need to get my day by. Take two CC’s of old school, with a meal, three times daily. Repeat until symptoms subside.

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October 14, 2009
Ladies, the line forms to the right.

Ladies, the line forms to the right.

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